Calm the Fuss Down!

You know how when you meet new parents the default first question is always: "you guys getting any sleep?"

I find that many parents are very polite and say how they've been really lucky that their kids aren't too fussy and have been pretty good sleepers. That's nice.

NOT THIS DAD! Because my baby is a crying, moody lunatic around the clock!

Here's my standard obligatory disclaimer: I love my baby and will feel guilty when he has to go to therapy after he reads this blog as a teenager, but daddy's about to vent!

I'm not gonna throw the C-word around, but he really is a handful. Whoa... hold on. What C-word did you think I was referring to? I'm talking about "colicky," you vulgar bastards. This is a parenting blog not a Louis CK fan page. As cry-happy as my guy is, he isn't colicky by definition. Knowing this, I have the utmost support and sympathy for parents of colicky babies. If I wasn't saving all my money for a futuristic baby muzzle, I'd donate to a GoFundMe for parents of colicky babies right now.  

There are few sounds worse than that of a baby crying. Maybe a crying baby who's nails are on a chalkboard. Man, that would be such a dick move, baby. Always remember #BabiesAreDicks (see previous blog post). Want to know what my home sounds like? Imagine being on an airplane seated next to a screaming baby, except your flight is to Pluto.

Reasons for fussiness include gas, tightness, growth spurts, general discomfort, etc. We've read, tried, consulted so many things and people to see what's up, but really - until he says: "I'm crying cuz I'm growing so fast, asshole!" it's really just a guessing game. It's like a real-life version of Where's Waldo where you have to search everywhere to find what's metaphorically up your baby's butt (hopefully metaphorically and not literally). I just realized this analogy doesn't work because the goal of Where's Waldo isn't to try to find what's up Waldo's butt. Whatever. Hopefully you got what I was going for.

It's important to note that while I bitch and moan about our situation, I know there are so many parents dealing with so much worse, so I don't lose perspective. But I do find it's cathartic to voice the parental vulnerabilities of not being the perfect Instagram parent. Oh yeah, don't be fooled by my Instagram feed with all my happy baby photos. I know my wife and I are awesome parents (well, at least, my wife) and we can do all the right things, and our baby might still freak out. It's all part of what we signed up for. To borrow a quote from 'The Wire' (the greatest show of all-time): "the game is the game."

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna start a GoFundMe for this futuristic baby muzzle.