Babies are dicks
Get ready for the most truthful thing ever written about babies...
They're dicks.
Like for real.
Here's my obligatory disclaimer sentence that I love my child more than life itself and blah blah barfy barf. Now time for my opening argument.
All parents do is spend every waking moment trying to make sure their little guy or girl is comfortable and well-taken care of; and how does he respond to all your consideration? Melts down like the crying equivalent of the Japanese villain in "Raiders of the Lost Ark." By the way, Netflix is calling that movie "Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark." When the hell did they make that name change?
I digress. It's one thing to cry because you're hungry, you're cold, or you've been chilling in your own poopy and pee-y diaper (I know "pee-y" isn't a word but I think we've established this blog doesn't care about spelling, facts or logic. It's like the Dan LeBatard Show with Stugotz, if you call me out on it - you don't get the blog!). Anyway, those cries are totally excusable. It's the other super meltdowns when you do the slightest thing to change whatever little man's been doing.
For instance:
1) You attack mommy's nipples like the hyenas tearing at Scar at the end of "Lion King." Mommy nurtures you 24/7 and that's how you repay her? Have you seen the previews for the upcoming live action "Lion King"? So good! Anyway, after a nice, calm pleasant feeding, you suddenly turn into a starved dog that hasn't eaten in 2 months. Stop gnawing, barracuda! Do you know how carefully daddy treated those things? This is like watching an irresponsible relative takes the keys to your Ferrari and keeps scratching up the bumper every time he parks. Recognize what you got, bro!
2) You spend several minutes making a nice tight swaddle for him, so he can feel cozy and comfortable like he did in the womb. He kicks, punches and stretches and tries to make the process last as long as possible, even though you are both miserable. Immediately after you're done, he immediately whines and spend all his time trying to break free like newborn Houdini. Speaking of, if I was a parent during Houdini's hey-day, I would be totally unimpressed with his straight-jacket trick. "You think you're slick, magic boy? My 2-week-old can do that shit, you bum! Go hop on your horse and buggy and get the hell out of here." Also, it's not like baby's getting out of the swaddle because he's uncomfortable. He cries as he tries to get the arm out, cries because he can't get the arm out, cries when he actually does get the arm out, then repeats all those steps for the 2nd arm. All the while, his feet are thrusting around like he's stomping grapes to make wine. Chill out, Goldilocks.
3) If you move a baby at all - the slightest change to his motion - he starts whining. It's not the super crazy wailing, more like the why-you-bothering-my-slumber-side-eye-groan-cry combo. Bro, your head is mashed on your side at a 90-degree angle and your play-doh-like skull is gonna come out looking like Coneheads, but yeah - give me that look like I just farted in your soup.
4) You wail at the top of your tiny lungs when I'm wiping your doo doo detonations. I'm trying to make sure you don't get a rash, you just peed into your own mouth, you got yellow poop for eyebrows, but sure, scream at me for cleaning you. Kick and tighten your little legs as hard as you can. You do realize I can overpower your 8-lb ass?
5) I'm putting clothes on your cold, naked ass and you scream at me for putting any limb into the appropriate sleeve. If I didn't give you this onesie that you like to pee on, you'd be screaming even more for being cold. It's a lose-lose!
There are so many other things where babies are jerks, but little man is freaking out for no reason again so writing time is over. I guess that's another thing to add...
6) Total disregard for anyone else's needs!
So selfish, little man. It's a good thing you’re cute.
Dick.
They're dicks.
Like for real.
Here's my obligatory disclaimer sentence that I love my child more than life itself and blah blah barfy barf. Now time for my opening argument.
All parents do is spend every waking moment trying to make sure their little guy or girl is comfortable and well-taken care of; and how does he respond to all your consideration? Melts down like the crying equivalent of the Japanese villain in "Raiders of the Lost Ark." By the way, Netflix is calling that movie "Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark." When the hell did they make that name change?
I digress. It's one thing to cry because you're hungry, you're cold, or you've been chilling in your own poopy and pee-y diaper (I know "pee-y" isn't a word but I think we've established this blog doesn't care about spelling, facts or logic. It's like the Dan LeBatard Show with Stugotz, if you call me out on it - you don't get the blog!). Anyway, those cries are totally excusable. It's the other super meltdowns when you do the slightest thing to change whatever little man's been doing.
For instance:
1) You attack mommy's nipples like the hyenas tearing at Scar at the end of "Lion King." Mommy nurtures you 24/7 and that's how you repay her? Have you seen the previews for the upcoming live action "Lion King"? So good! Anyway, after a nice, calm pleasant feeding, you suddenly turn into a starved dog that hasn't eaten in 2 months. Stop gnawing, barracuda! Do you know how carefully daddy treated those things? This is like watching an irresponsible relative takes the keys to your Ferrari and keeps scratching up the bumper every time he parks. Recognize what you got, bro!
2) You spend several minutes making a nice tight swaddle for him, so he can feel cozy and comfortable like he did in the womb. He kicks, punches and stretches and tries to make the process last as long as possible, even though you are both miserable. Immediately after you're done, he immediately whines and spend all his time trying to break free like newborn Houdini. Speaking of, if I was a parent during Houdini's hey-day, I would be totally unimpressed with his straight-jacket trick. "You think you're slick, magic boy? My 2-week-old can do that shit, you bum! Go hop on your horse and buggy and get the hell out of here." Also, it's not like baby's getting out of the swaddle because he's uncomfortable. He cries as he tries to get the arm out, cries because he can't get the arm out, cries when he actually does get the arm out, then repeats all those steps for the 2nd arm. All the while, his feet are thrusting around like he's stomping grapes to make wine. Chill out, Goldilocks.
3) If you move a baby at all - the slightest change to his motion - he starts whining. It's not the super crazy wailing, more like the why-you-bothering-my-slumber-side-eye-groan-cry combo. Bro, your head is mashed on your side at a 90-degree angle and your play-doh-like skull is gonna come out looking like Coneheads, but yeah - give me that look like I just farted in your soup.
4) You wail at the top of your tiny lungs when I'm wiping your doo doo detonations. I'm trying to make sure you don't get a rash, you just peed into your own mouth, you got yellow poop for eyebrows, but sure, scream at me for cleaning you. Kick and tighten your little legs as hard as you can. You do realize I can overpower your 8-lb ass?
5) I'm putting clothes on your cold, naked ass and you scream at me for putting any limb into the appropriate sleeve. If I didn't give you this onesie that you like to pee on, you'd be screaming even more for being cold. It's a lose-lose!
There are so many other things where babies are jerks, but little man is freaking out for no reason again so writing time is over. I guess that's another thing to add...
6) Total disregard for anyone else's needs!
So selfish, little man. It's a good thing you’re cute.
Dick.
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