18 Random Dad Thoughts

I have no fancy intro. This is contrary to every English class you've ever taken. I'm just listing random thoughts that have recently come to my head:

1. Dad bod sucks and is real.

2. One of the suckiest things about dad bods is when your clothes don't fit as well and you're too cheap to buy new stuff. This especially applies to slim-fit and tighter-fitting shirts that were once fashionable but now just make you look like a fat guy in little coat. All your clothes now remind you of how much weight you've gained. Obviously this is nothing compared to mom's wardrobes with maternity clothes and postpartum outfits and etc. The problem is for dads, we have no biological excuse for the weight gain. We're just fat.

3. Pre-solid baby poop does smell. Many parents will tell you that your baby's poop before eating solids doesn't smell that bad. That's bullshit. No one's confusing that scent for new car smell.  

4. That said - post-solid baby poop is a million times worse. Once your kid starts eating solids, that smell goes from the I-need-to-take-out-the-trash odor... to the Did-the-dog-eat-your-dirty-diaper-then-barf-up-your-diaper-then-eat-the-barf-then-poop-out-the-barf-and-stick-it-all-back-in-your-diaper odor.

5. That was a fictional scenario and hasn't happened to us.

6. Yet.

7. Lil man poops a lot.

8. One time as I was changing him, he started pooping. It was like watching sausage get made and having to catch the sausage before it falls on the table. 

9. You know you're a parent when your friends text you pictures of your kids' poop. That was from a mom.

10. If you ever wonder if it's a fart or a poop, it's always poop.

11. I wish I was as regular as my kid.

12. Maybe not. Our toilet paper budget would skyrocket.

13. TMI? Shrug emoji.

14. One of the more frustrating things about introducing babies to solids so far is our kid's penchant for sticking his hands in his slobbery, food-filled mouth, then slamming his fists onto his high chair table. So messy. I'm still cleaning him every time as opposed to waiting til he's finished because I can't stand the mess, but I know I will soon have to abandon this approach.

15. Bottle washing is the worst. They never end. It's like the broomsticks in the Sorcerer's Apprentice.

16. My hands look like the Titanic diamond lady's face. And I use gloves. RIP Titanic Lady.

17. I really want to see 'The Lion King' remake in theaters, but don't want to take the kid. Is that not cool? He's not gonna get the awesomeness.

18. But seriously, how good does the 'The Lion King' look??? There will be serious trauma seeing a "live action" Mufasa die. Fuck you, Scar.